A New Day, A New Cycle

So, the hag found me this morning. I have officially begun cycle #4 of my recent efforts at ttc. I usually manage to have my chin up by now. I think the worse is around days 9-12 when your hopes are teetering and your desperation is high. Thank goodness I only have to wait two weeks before I do it all over again.

Someone asked me about the spirituality of ttc. I think that is a tough one. On the one hand, I feel the most 'divine' and the most confident part of me is that part that needs to mother/parent. Without getting too theological, I understand God as a creating God--one who longs to have relationship and to nurture an other. I don't think I felt this need as strongly as I do now until we lost the triplets. In those moments we held Sarah, Rachel and Noah, I felt the most tremendous power (despite being totally exhausted and totally overwhelmed with grief), the most powerful desire to do what was best for my exquisitely beautiful children. In those moments, for me and my husband, that meant letting go. And, I can't say that I will ever understand why God put us through that. Certainly I have wondered why God couldn't work a miracle and save them all. But, if I dwell there too long all I have left is resentment, not the wonderous memories of the time we did have together.

I've overcome lots of things in my life which were very difficult. TTC has been one of the hardest because I feel powerless before the 'mystery' of it all. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am designed to be a mother. What I don't know is when and how I will get there and actually get to bring my bundle home. I struggle with periods of feeling close to God and then at other times of feeling very far away. It is my frustration and lack of patience that leads me to stop feeling connected with the divine. Obviously, I have my desire to be a mother which has only been magnified by our losses. I don't pretend to know why it is taking so long or what I will gain from this experience and that often leaves me empty and angry.

I like to think that when I finally get that bundle, I will be all the stronger and all the more grateful for having longed for him/her for so long. And, that will be a precious type of gratitude to have. Fertility certainly feels like it should be a fundamental right of our being, that no one should have to try at something so divine in nature. But, shit happens. And, we wait and wait and wait for that magic day. I try to think beyond my own sphere of parenting desire and my own timeline. I get some comfort in knowing that God will give us a child at the right time and in the right place--in the child's time. After all, isn't that the goal of parenting? To raise beautifully strong and confident people who can go out and make a contribution to society, to make the world a better place.

My hope right now is solely tied around my desire to be a parent. Everything I do throughout the day revolves around that desire. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not. I pray to channel that energy into parenting and to find God again in my child's smile, first steps, graduation, etc.

There are no easy answers, that much I know.