Searching for Joy

Tribute...

I wrote this a year ago as I contemplated the first anniversary of our triplets' death (2-11-2003). As I think of them and hope for children this year, I wanted to post this as a tribute to their abiding presence in my life.

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The waves gently roll along the shore as the seagulls beckon to one another. Three children skip along the banks of the ocean hand in hand. From a distance, I can hear their laughter, their kinship and their freedom. I strain to glimpse their face as they look at one another side to side. They always remain just beyond the limitations of my clarity.

As a mother’s heart will, mine leaps out in pride with the unspoken affirmation “those are my children.” A cold shudder then grips me. I should know the details of their face, their bodies and their personalities. But, I don’t. Taken from us before this world measures viability at twenty-four weeks of pregnancy, their viability still slaps me at times and arouses me from my mundane slumber. They come back, reassuring me of their bond and their security.

I see them only at a distance. I long to run after them, but I know that I would be running the rest of my life if I started. Instead, I bide my time and wait for them to come to me in my dreams, the gentle musings that come with the stillness of my life. I recite their names aloud to myself to remind me of their realness, delighting in the regal and classic sound of each given name: Sarah Noel, Rachel Ayla and Noah Gabriel.

They say time heals all wounds. I doubt it will heal this wound. I miss them with every breath I draw and there is an emptiness that I frantically try to fill, to no avail. Their presence continues to expand my existence in untold ways and for that I remain grateful.
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