Sometimes there seems to be only a distant haze of pinky promise in the horizon. And, the starkness of my own silence is laid bare in the frigid breeze.
I'm less than two weeks away from the anticipated embryo hostage release. As a good omen, I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and that one of the two had definitely taken hold. However, what strikes me about the dream is how the hope and excitement of a confirmed pregnancy was at best hazy. Perhaps it is true, for those of us who have unfortunately lost children, that you can be a little bit pregnant, or sort-of pregnant.
It certainly felt that way in the dream. Like the thing I had waited for had happened, but only half way. There was still the "wait and see" element to it and I was far from being jubilent, just mildly happy.I hope that a real, confirmed pregnancy will not result in my feeling only half way there. But, if you have loved and lost, you learn to condition your hope so that you can survive such a loss again.
I go on in search the fecundity and naivete of hope...
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