So, as I waddle my way towards 33 weeks my darling hubby let me know that he is already thinking about the next one. Next one? One what, I asked? Ohhh, a baby.
Yes, as I sit upright, fighting heartburn and wondering if I will ever see my feet properly again, hubby asks inquisitively, "when should we start trying for our next one?"
If it were up to him we'd start immediately. Obviously, given his age, I understand the sense of immediacy. But, when you're near 33 weeks pregnant, the idea of starting all over isn't necessarily a romantic one.
Nevertheless, I am so happy for his enthusiasm. Without it, I would have surely gone mad on this trying-to-conceive journey. I never imagined him being so interested in parenthood; after all, he's been there and done that twice already.
I take great joy in watching his childlike enthusiasm at every ultrasound appointment and every milestone that we cross. The highlight of his evening is rubbing anti-stretch mark cream on my belly with the naive hope that it won't end up looking like a roadmap. It's the simple things that make him happy.
Being able to delight in simple things is a very good place to be. After all, we've both been through a grief that never ends, one that can either make or break you. I'm grateful that it didn't break us. In some weird way, it has melded us closer than ever: it is almost as if we are the only two who understands the horror that the other has experienced in its specific detail. Even after two years, we are both reduced to tears as we travel back to that place on occasion, taking only tiny pieces of the memories into our broken hearts as we search for integration.
I pray that Gabe will be blessed by our sorrow and our joy. He will often be told of his beautiful, identical older sisters, Sarah and Rachel, and his brave big brother Noah. They remain so linked to our day to day living in ways I can never explain. Life is harsher without them, but more precious because of them. I hope that Gabe will seize this life with youthful exuberance and know that he is loved here and into eternity. It is one of the wisdom pearls I wish for him to discover early on: the knowledge that life is precious and that he is a vital member of our world community.
So, in the meantime, I'll stick to pondering Gabe's arrival and leave the unnatural family planning for another day.
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