Random Thoughts...

First of all, I can't believe it is October! Yeah! The reality of having a full-term baby (37 weeks or more) is getting closer. For many people it is something they assume. But, for this Mom, it is something I cherish.

Sadly, this pregnancy has felt like a long effort at cheating some negative fate that I believed to be lurking in the shadows. From whence did it come? Well, a large part goes back to our loss of the triplets. Because of the cerclage that was placed and then its failure there lingered the possibility of not only an incompentent cervix but a damaged one as well. Then, there was the miscarriage of our twins at ten weeks with no explanation. Later, there was the over-zealous young doctor who seemed to have nothing good to say about my reproductive innards.

It's not like I feel vindicated. I just feel so grateful that it has been possible to get this far. With the worrisome triple screen results, constant fear of gestational diabetes, the hypertension and fear of intra-uterine growth restriction, and the placenta previa (which corrected itself), it has been a long road.

In my twenties I think I had the typical "it won't happen to me" outlook on life. I was sure that the maladies that I heard of others facing (from Cancer to Multiple Sclerosis) wouldn't happen to me. It was the naivete and ignorance of youth. When we lost the triplets, and then had the miscarriage, I started to think in the opposite direction--if it could happen, well it could and might happen to me.

I haven't really shaken that feeling since then. I will worry about Gabe until I drop dead. I worry in the middle of the night if I haven't felt him move that his cord could be compressed, that he has quit thriving, etc. Then, like blessed assurance, he wriggles. And, the next morning I obsessively check his heartrate just so I can start my day thinking that it is all going to be okay.

I am anxious to see him soon. I want to see ten fingers, ten toes, and a healthy little boy. I know the worry will only intensify as I move into full blown motherhood and monitor his growth and health with my heart and all my other senses. But, I can't wait for that time. Until then, I still fear somehow that he will be taken away from me. I remember working with a lady who had suffered a miscarriage and she said clearly that she didn't believe she would have a baby (even throughout her second pregnancy) until they actually placed her daughter in her arms. I also feel that way at times.

Again, it is hard to believe that I am under thirty days to my predicted due date. Random people in the grocery store or elsewhere now feel comfortable asking "how much longer do you have?" I still have this surprised aspect of denial which says "is it that obvious that I'm expecting?" On a good day I tell them how much longer I have to go. When I am feeling mischievous, I say "how much longer for what?"

I'm hoping that the coming days and/or weeks will be medically uneventful and that Gabe will make his grand appearance without any complications. Truly that is all I think about these days.