Holiday Blues

My tree is up, ornaments are placed (no thanks to the cat), lights flicker appropriately, presents have been purchased, half the presents have been wrapped...but it doesn't feel like the holiday season at all.

In fact, I was just sitting here thinking about how Christmas hasn't really felt like Christmas since I left home. Yes, I miss sitting in front of my Mom's tree (one that she used to keep fully decorated in a closet and would pull out once a year for its grand appearance and then slip quietly back into the closet after New Year's) and assessing my life. I used to sit there and feel deep gratitude for the good things that had happened the previous year, the hopes that I had, the warm fuzzy feelings of having family around.

Since then it feels like I have just been faking it. I don't feel particularly hopeful or jolly. I feel bitter and desperate.

My husband and I watched the Hallmark presentation of Mitch Albom's "The Five People You Meet In Heaven." All I could think about is that if such were true, I look forward to meeting the five children that have slipped away from me in the past two years. I can't even say that I look forward--it's more like when I think of dying, my heart leaps out of my chest in anticipation of being close to my children again. I feel like life owes me the reality of that hope, at the least.

As you can see, these birth control pills are doing a number on me. And, add to it a whiny cold and I'm not a happy camper. Bah humbug...