Cloudiness...

So, I am grateful, relieved, humbled, scared, worried, excited, and tired...oh, and did I mention worried?

I convinced myself that this go round I would just be happy with a positive hpt. At least that would mean that someone in there was trying to do something and it wasn't just an outright rejection of my uterine resort. Then, once the faintly positive hpt arrived, it was a good beta report. Now, with one good beta number, it is a delightfully doubling beta and then what? I hold my emotions in abeyance for each milestone--maybe I'll be ecstatic after the heartbeat, or maybe after the first trimester?

My sister quickly cautioned that this is no way to live, from one worry to the next. But, then again, she confessed that she still watches her ten year old just walk out to the mailbox to make sure all is okay. I fear I have that same fear, the overprotective Mother Lion Syndrome.

But, before I get there, I have to convince myself that this is real and that it could turn out beautifully. I would pay a great amount of money to have a naivete that has not suffered loss and the crushing defeat of one's hope. I'd do just about anything to substitute the cautionary voice in my head that tells me to hold off with any joy right now with a carefree pollyanna-ish voice that whispers reassurances.

It's like having a sour relationship with hope. You easily recall the last time this happened and the hope you had then, and well, what about the time before that? Old Mr. Hope shows up at the door again and my first instinct is to say "ha, you got me once, maybe twice, but not three times buddy. I'm wise to you now..." However, he's got a great sales pitch and you find yourself wooed yet again.

I'll just take it one day at a time. I guess this is where faith comes in along with a steadfast belief in the tender mercies of grace...