Memoriam...

I'd like to be hopeful. But, the realization that tomorrow is the two year anniversary of the loss of our triplets, Sarah, Rachel and Noah looms heavy in my heart.

Its not that I can't be happy now. It is just that their memory tugs at me as I go through the all too familiar procedure with this FET, with the drugs, shots, clinic visits, ultrasounds, etc. I want to hope that this attempt is going to result in my bringing a baby home. But, I am terrified to have this hope and the painful disappointment it can bring.

Inevitably, I go back to that time when the triplets were with me. I never stop feeling their absence/distant presence. It has changed me forever. In many ways, my heart is bigger, my love deeper, and my sadness more severe.

The brief time they were with us was a gift, a very precious gift. I'll always ache to know their presence again closely: Noah my quiet one, Sarah my moderator, and Rachel my wild child. They dance on through eternity and I know they are there as I can hear their music in the foreground of my life; I just can't get as close as I would like.

I hold my grief inside fearing that any outburst would disrupt the relaxation that is due to this current pregnancy attempt, as if the tears would wash away our chances. However, my first three remain in my memory and move through my life in ways untold...thanks be to God for their abiding goodness which illumines my soul...

In Memory Of

Sarah Noel

Rachel Ayla

Noah Gabriel

2-11-03